Thursday, February 19, 2015

When You're Muse Dies

I stopped writing about a year and a half ago. My muse, which had proved impenetrable by ANY force other than my creative heart, had, over the past five years taken such a brutal assault from serious family issues, it finally passed away. The death was slow. I'd felt it coming, and had religiously sat myself down in front of my computer and FORCED myself to create even though each day less and less of my heart was in the process. The experience was devastating, heartbreaking, disappointing. The massive loss of "writing" in my life was as painful to imagine as was the family challenges I was dealing with. Both realities I could not ignore or escape.

I took a year to ponder the death of my writing. The idea was horrible. Unsettling. No matter how awful I felt, I couldn't resurrect my muse, buried so deep inside of me I often wondered if it had ever existed in the first place.

Friends kept saying, "Oh, you'll get your groove back." "Give it a rest.""You've been through so much, no wonder!" "You can't stop!"

But I knew I was done. Like a mother knows when she's had her last child, she's done. Like a woman knows when a relationship is over.

I've been amazed that, even with knowing I was done writing, how hard it's been to accept that. "Yes, but are you REALLY done?" a little voice would repeat whenever I browsed for books on Amazon, or meandered into the local B&N. Every day when I check in on Facebook and wish all of my FB friends happy birthday or check the news feed, "Yes, but are you REALLY done?"

I thought I was. But then I discovered an even more looming problem: I couldn't replace the creative outlet writing had been for me / for my life. I tried a variety of other creative endeavors but nothing stuck, nothing felt right.

Yesterday I opened my last WIP that had been sitting untouched on my laptop for over a year. I started reading it. Fixing it. Playing with it.

It felt good.

I don't know what will come of that one moment. Life is still messy at our house. My muse still feels heavily drugged by responsibility.

I'm here, though. On this blog - and I'm WRITING. Not sharing a contest or giveaway - WRITING. Perhaps that's the beginning of resuscitation. I don't know.

But I still care.

Read and let read. Write and let write,



RuthB said...

Jennifer I can't imagine what you went and still are going through, writing must be like a piece of yourself and I hope you get it back.
Best wishes,
Ruty @Reading...Dreaming

Urania Sarri said...

I. can only guess what you must be going through, but I need to tell you this: writing is the way to heal. I 've been there. And I wrote about it. Then healing came, slowly, word by word, page by page. Also, your writing helps others. Heavenly touched me as a mother a few years ago and I wrote to you about it. Your inspiration is not dead,it just keeps feeding from your emotions. Don't give up on it.

jenniferlaurens said...

@Urania Sarri , @Ruty B. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Deeply appreciated.


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